Being in a relationship with someone who may have narcissistic tendencies can be emotionally draining. Unfortunately, when it comes to cheating, narcissists are particularly adept at telling lies to cover their tracks. They are often manipulative, convincing, and skilled at deflecting suspicion. If you’re in a relationship and suspect that something isn't right, it's crucial to recognize the signs of cheating and spot the lies that narcissists love to tell.
In this article, we’ll explore 25 common lies narcissists tell when they’re cheating, how to recognize them, and practical ways to protect yourself. If you’ve ever been confused by their behavior, or felt gaslighted, this guide will help you navigate through the fog and get the clarity you deserve.
1. “You're overreacting. I'm not doing anything wrong.”
This is the classic narcissistic defense mechanism – denying any wrongdoing and turning the blame onto you. When a narcissist cheats, they may make you feel like your suspicions are irrational or excessive.
Spotting the Lie:
If you're noticing changes in their behavior, trust your instincts. If something feels off, it likely is. Don't allow them to gaslight you into thinking you're imagining things.
Pro Tip:
Keep a journal or record the patterns of behavior you’re noticing. This can give you solid evidence if you need to confront them later.
2. “I was just helping them out. You’re being paranoid.”
Narcissists often use the excuse of “helping” others to cover up their infidelities. If they’re texting or meeting with someone frequently, it’s always “purely innocent” in their eyes.
Spotting the Lie:
Their “help” seems to go beyond what’s normal, and they may hide their phone or be defensive when you ask for details. If you ask them to introduce you to the person, they become distant or evasive.
Real-Life Example:
Sarah’s boyfriend, Tom, was constantly “helping” a female colleague after work hours. When she asked to meet the colleague, Tom would make up excuses or act offended. Sarah trusted her gut and eventually uncovered an affair.
3. “It’s just a friendship, nothing more.”
This lie is a classic when a narcissist wants to keep their affair under wraps. They’ll insist that the person they’re seeing is “just a friend” when, in reality, their emotional connection runs much deeper.
Spotting the Lie:
If the “friend” seems to get more of their time, attention, and affection than you do, it’s a major red flag. A true friend wouldn't require this level of secrecy.
4. “You're the only one for me.”
Narcissists love to make grandiose promises, especially when they’ve been caught. They may say things like “You're the only one I want,” but it’s all part of their manipulation to make you feel special and secure.
Spotting the Lie:
If you’ve caught them cheating and they’re using this line, it’s usually a way to soothe you and get you to drop the issue. Pay attention to their actions, not just their words.
5. “I’m just busy with work.”
When a narcissist is cheating, they’ll often blame their absence on work. They may say they’re working late, going on business trips, or simply “too busy” to spend time with you.
Spotting the Lie:
You might notice that their “work” excuses don’t line up with their schedule, or they seem to have time for everyone else but you. If their work is taking up more time than ever, but their behavior has become more distant, start asking more questions.
Pro Tip:
Try to see if their work schedule matches up with their social media or calendar. If there’s a big gap, they might be covering something up.
6. “I’ve just been really stressed lately.”
Stress is a convenient excuse, and narcissists use it frequently when their cheating is at risk of being exposed. They might say that they’ve been distracted or emotionally distant because of work or personal stress.
Spotting the Lie:
Stress doesn’t make someone act overly secretive or start hiding their phone. If their stress is suddenly linked to odd behavior patterns, trust your instincts.
7. “You’re the one pushing me away.”
In an effort to turn the tables, narcissists may make you feel like it’s your fault they’re seeking attention elsewhere. They may accuse you of being distant or neglectful, even though it’s their own actions that are creating the distance.
Spotting the Lie:
Pay attention to how they treat you versus how they treat others. If they’re affectionate and engaging with others, but suddenly cold and distant with you, this is a manipulation tactic.
8. “I don't know why you're making this a big deal.”
When confronted, a narcissist might act as though you’re overreacting or being dramatic. This is their way of minimizing your feelings and the severity of their actions.
Spotting the Lie:
They will often diminish your concerns, brushing them off as insignificant. If this happens, it’s a red flag that they’re trying to avoid taking responsibility.
Real-Life Example:
Lena confronted her husband about his late nights out. He responded, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing,” even though she’d found evidence of his affair.
9. “They mean nothing to me.”
When caught, a narcissist might downplay the emotional significance of their affair by saying that it doesn’t “mean anything.” This is often said to deflect from the real issue – that they’ve betrayed your trust.
Spotting the Lie:
Their actions tell a different story. If they’re sneaking around, lying, or overly protective of their phone, it’s clear that this relationship does mean something to them, even if they won't admit it.
10. “I’m just friends with them. You have nothing to worry about.”
A narcissist may try to belittle your concerns by claiming that there’s nothing inappropriate about their relationship with the other person. They may even call you insecure.
Spotting the Lie:
Their defensiveness and the secrecy around the “friendship” should raise a red flag. If they’re hiding texts, changing the subject when the person is mentioned, or getting angry when you ask about them, the relationship is likely more than “just friends.”
11. “I didn’t want to hurt you, so I didn’t tell you.”
Narcissists love to play the victim and often justify their lies by claiming they were trying to “protect” you from pain. In reality, they just wanted to avoid the consequences of being caught.
Spotting the Lie:
They didn’t want to hurt you, but they hurt you anyway with their actions. Their attempt to avoid blame by claiming they were trying to protect your feelings is a tactic to avoid taking responsibility.
12. “I was drunk, I didn’t mean it.”
Another common excuse narcissists use is that they were intoxicated when they cheated. They claim that the affair was a mistake that happened under the influence.
Spotting the Lie:
Alcohol doesn’t erase someone’s intentions or actions. If the affair is ongoing or they’ve been texting someone late at night, this is a sign that their behavior goes beyond just a drunken mistake.
Pro Tip:
Look at patterns, not just one isolated incident. If this “drunken mistake” seems to happen frequently, it’s a calculated choice.
13. “You should trust me more.”
A narcissist may accuse you of lacking trust, even though they’ve done everything to undermine it. This is a form of gaslighting designed to make you feel guilty for questioning their actions.
Spotting the Lie:
If they’ve given you reasons not to trust them, then your suspicions are valid. Trust is earned, not demanded.
14. “I was just venting. It’s nothing personal.”
Narcissists will often share personal details about you with someone they’re cheating with, claiming they were just venting. They’ll paint you in a negative light to bond with the other person.
Spotting the Lie:
If they are constantly venting to a specific person about you, it’s a sign of emotional manipulation.
15. “I didn’t want to hurt you by telling you.”
Narcissists will use the “I didn’t want to hurt you” excuse to justify their cheating. The truth is they were protecting themselves from your reaction.
Spotting the Lie:
If they had respect for you, they would have been honest from the beginning.
Conclusion: Trust Yourself and Protect Your Peace
Spotting the lies of a narcissist can be tricky, but trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, it probably is. Narcissists are experts in manipulation and gaslighting, but you deserve someone who is honest and trustworthy. Remember, if you’re constantly questioning their behavior, it’s time to take a step back and assess the relationship.
Your emotional health is worth more than dealing with deceit. Stand firm in your boundaries and don’t allow anyone, narcissist or not, to make you doubt your worth. You deserve truth, respect, and love – never settle for less.