Ever been in a conversation that felt more like a monologue starring someone else? You’re not alone. We’ve all encountered that one person who seems to hijack every chat, turning even your dog’s vet visit into a story about their childhood pet. Welcome to the world of conversational narcissism—a subtle but frustrating habit that can leave you feeling invisible.
But how do you spot a conversational narcissist? Sometimes, it's not as obvious as someone constantly saying, “Enough about me, let’s talk more about me!” In this article, we'll break down five subtle signs you’re dealing with one, along with practical tips to handle these situations like a pro.
What is Conversational Narcissism?
Before diving into the signs, let’s clarify what we’re dealing with. Conversational narcissism is a term coined by sociologist Charles Derber. It refers to the tendency to steer conversations towards oneself rather than focusing on others. And no, it doesn’t mean every self-centered chatterbox is a full-blown narcissist. Sometimes, it's just a bad habit.
Think of it like being at a potluck where one person brings nothing but takes all the best dishes. Annoying, right?
Sign #1: The Serial “Me-Too” Expert
Ever share something personal only to have someone immediately one-up you with their own experience? You say, “I had a rough day at work,” and they reply, “Oh, you think that’s bad? My boss made me redo a project three times!”
Why it’s a problem:
It feels like your experiences are being dismissed. Instead of empathy, you get competition.
How to handle it:
Try responding with, “That sounds tough. I’d love to finish sharing my day first, though. Can I tell you what happened?” It’s polite but sets a boundary.
Pro Tip: If someone always plays the “me-too” card, they might not be listening—just waiting for their turn to talk.
Sign #2: The Spotlight Hogger
This person turns every topic into a story about themselves. Mention your new hobby? They’ve mastered it. Talk about your vacation plans? They’ve been there twice, and let’s not forget the time they got upgraded to first class.
Why it’s a problem:
It’s exhausting when every conversation turns into their personal highlight reel.
How to handle it:
Politely steer the conversation back with a simple, “That’s interesting! I actually wanted to hear more about [your original topic].”
Example:
You: “I’m thinking of learning guitar.”
Them: “Oh, I played guitar in high school. I was basically a young Hendrix.”
You: “That’s cool! I’m curious—what’s the best way to start learning as a beginner?”
Humor Hack: Imagine if Google answered every search with its own life story. Frustrating, right? Don’t let people “Google” your conversations.
Sign #3: The Selective Listener
They hear what interests them and zone out the rest. You could be pouring your heart out, and they’re nodding absentmindedly, just waiting for their turn.
Why it’s a problem:
It makes you feel unheard and undervalued.
How to handle it:
Sometimes, a direct approach works. “Hey, I noticed you seem a bit distracted. Everything okay?” This can gently nudge them to pay attention without being confrontational.
Pro Tip: Body language speaks volumes. If they’re constantly checking their phone, make light of it: “Should I book an appointment for this convo, or do you have a minute now?”
Sign #4: The One-Question Wonder
They ask a single question about you and then launch into a 15-minute saga about themselves.
“How’s your weekend?” you start to answer, but—“Oh, my weekend was wild! Let me tell you…” and off they go.
Why it’s a problem:
It’s like being invited to a potluck and only getting to sniff the food.
How to handle it:
Flip the script by gently interrupting: “I want to hear about your weekend, but I’d love to finish telling you about mine first.”
Humor Hack: Ever feel like you’re in a talk show where the host forgot to interview the guest? Yep, same.
Sign #5: The Conversation Detourist
You start on one topic, and suddenly, you’re on an entirely different road, all about them. Your mention of a book turns into their dissertation on every book they’ve read since high school.
Why it’s a problem:
It’s disorienting and frustrating when you never get to finish your thought.
How to handle it:
Bring them back gently: “That’s interesting, but I really wanted to finish sharing about [your topic]. Can I?”
Example:
You: “I started reading this new book—”
Them: “Books! Oh, I’ve read so many. Last month alone, I finished five!”
You: “Impressive! Let me quickly finish telling you about this one I’m reading.”
Bonus: 15 Quick Tips to Handle Conversational Narcissism
- Use Humor: Lightly joke, “Okay, back to me for a second!”
- Ask Directly: “I’d love to share my story too—can I?”
- Be Honest: “I feel like I’m not getting to share much. Can we balance it out?”
- Set Time Limits: “Let’s each take two minutes to share!”
- Acknowledge Them, Then Shift: “That’s interesting! Now, about [your topic]…”
- Pause More: Silent pauses can prompt them to ask about you.
- Redirect: “Before we go too far, I wanted to finish my thought.”
- Mirror Their Behavior: Gently reflect their habit to make them aware.
- Be Playful: “Did you take a masterclass in conversation hijacking?”
- Ask Them to Reflect: “Do you realize we’ve been on your stories for 20 minutes?”
- Use Non-Verbal Cues: Lean in, raise a finger (politely), or smile to indicate you want to speak.
- Change the Subject: Sometimes, starting a new topic helps.
- Limit Your Time: Don’t invest too much in one-sided conversations.
- Find a Break: “Hey, I need to go soon, but I wanted to share this before I do.”
- Address It Later: “I’ve noticed our chats lean more towards you—can we balance it better?”
Why Does It Matter?
Conversations are the glue of relationships. When one person dominates, it weakens the bond. Recognizing these signs helps you protect your mental space and build healthier connections.
Remember, it’s okay to set boundaries. Conversations should feel like a tennis match—not like one player hogging all the balls.
Final Takeaway
Spotting conversational narcissism is the first step to healthier, more balanced chats. Don’t be afraid to gently call it out, set boundaries, and ensure your voice is heard. At the end of the day, conversations are a two-way street—don’t let anyone block your lane.
So next time someone turns your “How are you?” into their life story, take a deep breath, smile, and remember—you’ve got this!