Have you ever received an apology from someone that just didn't feel… real? Maybe they muttered a half-hearted “I'm sorry” but followed it up with excuses, blame-shifting, or even a guilt trip. If this sounds familiar, you might have been on the receiving end of a narcissistic apology.
Narcissists are known for their self-absorption, lack of empathy, and deep need for control. But does that mean they never feel genuine remorse? Or is there more to their so-called apologies than meets the eye?
If you've ever tangled with a narcissist—whether it's a romantic partner, a friend, or even a family member—you've probably questioned their ability to truly feel sorry. Let’s dive into the fascinating (and often frustrating) world of narcissistic apologies, explore what’s really going on behind those “I'm sorrys,” and most importantly, learn how to protect ourselves from the emotional rollercoaster they create.
Do Narcissists Ever Truly Feel Sorry?
Short answer: Rarely.
Long answer: It depends on what you mean by “sorry.”
Narcissists can fake apologies when it benefits them. They may say the words, but their real goal is usually self-preservation. If apologizing gets them out of trouble, maintains their image, or helps them regain control, they'll do it—without actually feeling remorse.
True remorse involves empathy and accountability, two things narcissists struggle with. Instead of feeling sorry for hurting you, they often feel sorry for themselves—sorry that they got caught, sorry that they have to deal with consequences, or sorry that you're upset because it inconveniences them.
So, how do you spot a narcissistic apology? And what should you do when you receive one? Here are 15 signs and strategies to help you navigate these tricky situations.
1. The “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way” Apology
This classic non-apology shifts the blame onto you. Instead of taking responsibility, the narcissist makes it seem like the real problem is your reaction.
Example:
“I'm sorry you feel hurt, but I didn’t do anything wrong.”
What to do:
Don’t fall for it. If someone refuses to acknowledge their actions, there’s no real apology happening.
2. The “Fine, I’m Sorry! Happy Now?” Apology
This is an apology given under duress. They don’t mean it—they just want to end the conversation or get you off their back.
Example:
“Ugh, fine! I’m sorry, okay? Can we move on now?”
What to do:
A forced apology isn’t worth much. If they aren't genuinely acknowledging their mistake, it's not real.
3. The “Apology with a Side of Excuses”
A narcissist may say sorry but immediately follow it up with a long list of justifications for their behavior.
Example:
“I’m sorry, but I was just really stressed out. Anyone in my position would have done the same thing.”
What to do:
A true apology doesn’t come with excuses. Look for people who take responsibility, not those who explain their behavior away.
4. The “Blame-Shifting Apology”
This apology subtly (or not-so-subtly) makes you the bad guy.
Example:
“I’m sorry, but if you hadn’t provoked me, I wouldn’t have reacted that way.”
What to do:
Don't accept an apology that makes you responsible for their actions. Healthy relationships involve accountability.
5. The “Grand Gesture” Apology
Narcissists sometimes apologize in dramatic ways—lavish gifts, big promises, or public declarations.
Example:
Buying you flowers after an argument instead of actually discussing what went wrong.
What to do:
Grand gestures are meaningless without changed behavior. Don’t be distracted by flashy apologies.
6. The “You’re Too Sensitive” Apology
This one is particularly frustrating because it invalidates your feelings.
Example:
“I’m sorry, but you take everything so personally.”
What to do:
If someone constantly dismisses your feelings, they aren’t truly apologizing.
7. The “I’ll Apologize, but You Owe Me” Move
Some narcissists use apologies as leverage. They’ll say sorry, but they expect something in return.
Example:
“Okay, I apologize, but now you have to let this go and stop bringing it up.”
What to do:
Apologies shouldn’t come with conditions.
8. The “I’m a Terrible Person” Apology
Instead of apologizing for their behavior, they make it all about them.
Example:
“I’m such a horrible person, I can’t do anything right.”
What to do:
This shifts the focus onto their feelings instead of the actual issue. Don’t get sidetracked.
9. The “Future Fake” Apology
Narcissists often promise to change but never follow through.
Example:
“I swear I’ll never do this again.” (Spoiler: They will.)
What to do:
Watch actions, not words.
10. The “Let’s Just Forget This” Apology
They apologize just to move on without real resolution.
Example:
“Can we just put this behind us?”
What to do:
Real apologies come with reflection and changed behavior, not just a desire to move past discomfort.
11. The “Silent Treatment” Aftermath
Sometimes, if their apology doesn’t work, they punish you with silence.
What to do:
Recognize this as emotional manipulation.
12. The “Guilt-Tripping Apology”
They apologize but make you feel bad for making them apologize.
Example:
“I said I’m sorry, but do you have any idea how much stress I’m under?”
What to do:
Don’t let guilt override your feelings.
13. The “Revenge Apology”
They apologize now but bring it up later to make you feel bad.
Example:
“Remember that time I had to apologize even though I wasn’t wrong?”
What to do:
A real apology doesn’t come with a future price tag.
14. The “Half-Apology”
They admit to something small but ignore the real issue.
Example:
“I’m sorry I yelled, but let’s not talk about why I did it.”
What to do:
Don’t settle for half-truths.
15. The “Non-Apology” Apology
They say words that sound like an apology but don’t actually mean anything.
Example:
“Mistakes were made.”
What to do:
If they can’t directly admit fault, it’s not a real apology.
Final Thoughts: What Should You Do?
If you’re dealing with a narcissist, remember these key takeaways:
- Trust actions over words. Real apologies lead to real change.
- Set boundaries. You don’t have to accept manipulative apologies.
- Know when to walk away. If someone never truly takes responsibility, you’re stuck in a cycle that won’t change.
At the end of the day, you deserve genuine respect and accountability in your relationships. If a narcissist’s apologies always leave you feeling frustrated or confused, trust your instincts. You’re not asking for too much—you’re just asking for something they may not be capable of giving.