When we think of grandmothers, we often picture warm hugs, freshly baked cookies, and bedtime stories filled with wisdom. But not all grandmothers fit this loving image. Some can be manipulative, controlling, and emotionally harmful—especially when they have narcissistic tendencies.
A narcissistic grandmother doesn’t just spoil your kids with love (or even gifts); she can undermine their confidence, twist their reality, and create lasting emotional damage. The worst part? Many parents don’t recognize the harm until it’s too late.
If you’ve ever felt uneasy about how your mother or mother-in-law interacts with your children, you might be dealing with a toxic narcissistic grandmother. Here are 14 ways she could be harming your kids—along with what you can do about it.
1. She Plays Favorites
A narcissistic grandmother often picks a “golden child” while treating the others as invisible—or even as scapegoats. This favoritism can cause deep sibling rivalry, resentment, and low self-esteem in the children who are constantly overlooked or criticized.
Signs to watch for:
- One child gets extra praise and attention while the other is ignored or blamed.
- Gifts and affection are unevenly distributed.
How to handle it:
Set clear boundaries and make sure your children understand that their worth isn’t defined by their grandmother’s approval.
2. She Undermines Your Parenting
Does she sneak your kids candy after you’ve said no? Encourage bad behavior behind your back? A narcissistic grandmother loves overriding your rules because it makes her feel powerful.
Signs to watch for:
- She constantly contradicts your parenting decisions.
- She makes you look like the “bad guy” while playing the fun, indulgent grandmother.
How to handle it:
Make it clear: your rules are final. If she refuses to respect your boundaries, limit her influence over your children.
3. She Gaslights Your Kids
Narcissists love gaslighting—twisting reality to make others doubt their own experiences. A toxic grandmother might lie, deny things she said, or blame your child for something she did.
Signs to watch for:
- Your child says, “Grandma said I was lying, but I know I saw her do it.”
- She frequently changes the story to make herself look innocent.
How to handle it:
Teach your kids about gaslighting and reassure them that their feelings and memories are valid.
4. She Uses Guilt to Control
Narcissistic grandmothers are masters of guilt-tripping. She might say things like:
- “If you really loved Grandma, you’d visit me more.”
- “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?”
She wants your kids to feel obligated to please her, even at their own expense.
How to handle it:
Teach your kids about emotional manipulation and give them permission to say no without guilt.
5. She Tries to Turn Your Kids Against You
A narcissistic grandmother may secretly tell your children that you’re too strict, unfair, or don’t love them as much as she does. This is a direct attack on your bond as a parent.
Signs to watch for:
- Your child suddenly resists your authority, repeating things Grandma said.
- She tells your kids secrets or exaggerates stories to make you look bad.
How to handle it:
Explain to your children that love isn’t about creating divisions, and encourage open communication.
6. She Thrives on Drama and Conflict
Some narcissistic grandmothers create unnecessary drama—especially if it keeps her the center of attention. She might stir up family fights, spread rumors, or play the victim to gain sympathy.
Signs to watch for:
- She frequently badmouths family members or gossips about others.
- She plays the victim in every situation.
How to handle it:
Limit your kids' exposure to her toxic negativity.
7. She Demands Constant Praise and Attention
Narcissists crave admiration. A toxic grandmother might expect your kids to praise her endlessly, shower her with attention, or put her needs above their own.
Signs to watch for:
- She sulks or acts hurt if she’s not the center of attention.
- She expects excessive gratitude for small gestures.
How to handle it:
Teach your kids that healthy relationships aren’t one-sided and they are not responsible for managing someone else’s emotions.
8. She Tries to Control Your Kids’ Lives
She wants to dictate what they wear, what they eat, what hobbies they pursue—because she needs to feel in control.
Signs to watch for:
- She makes major decisions for your kids without consulting you.
- She disregards their opinions or choices.
How to handle it:
Let your kids know that their choices matter and they don’t have to conform to Grandma’s expectations.
9. She Lacks Empathy
A narcissistic grandmother may dismiss your child’s emotions, telling them to “stop being dramatic” or “get over it.” This teaches kids to suppress their feelings.
Signs to watch for:
- She minimizes their feelings or calls them “too sensitive.”
- She refuses to apologize when she’s hurt them.
How to handle it:
Validate your kids’ emotions and model healthy emotional expression.
10. She Creates Rivalry Between Family Members
By pitting people against each other, she stays in control.
Signs to watch for:
- She makes comparisons: “Your brother is so much smarter than you.”
- She stirs up jealousy or resentment.
How to handle it:
Encourage family unity and shut down divisive comments immediately.
11. She Uses Money and Gifts as Manipulation
A narcissistic grandmother might try to buy your children’s love—but there’s always a hidden price.
Signs to watch for:
- She showers your kids with gifts, then expects special treatment.
- She takes gifts away as punishment.
How to handle it:
Teach your kids that true love isn’t bought. If necessary, set limits on gift-giving.
12. She Exploits Your Kids for Attention
Some narcissistic grandmothers brag about their grandkids to boost their own status, while treating them poorly behind closed doors.
Signs to watch for:
- She only shows interest in your child when it benefits her.
- She exaggerates their achievements for her own pride.
How to handle it:
Teach your kids that they are valuable for who they are—not as trophies.
13. She Refuses to Respect Boundaries
A toxic grandmother will ignore rules, cross lines, and guilt-trip if she doesn’t get her way.
How to handle it:
Set firm boundaries and enforce consequences if she doesn’t respect them.
14. She Damages Your Child’s Self-Worth
At the core of it all, a narcissistic grandmother can deeply erode your child’s confidence with constant criticism, favoritism, and manipulation.
How to handle it:
Provide a strong foundation of love, validation, and emotional safety for your child.
Final Thoughts
A narcissistic grandmother can be toxic to your child’s emotional well-being. The good news? You can protect your kids by recognizing these tactics and setting healthy boundaries.
Your child deserves unconditional love, not manipulation. And as their parent, you have the power to shield them from harm and raise them in a home filled with respect, empathy, and kindness.