Picture this: You’re in a relationship with someone who always makes everything about themselves. They never truly listen, they twist every conversation to their advantage, and when you call them out, they gaslight you into thinking you’re the problem. Sounds familiar? If so, you might be dealing with a narcissist.
But here’s the big question—can a narcissist ever change? Can they wake up one day, look in the mirror, and decide to be a better person? The answer isn’t as simple as a “yes” or “no.” It’s a complex mix of psychology, personality, and willingness. And what you’ll discover in this article may surprise you.
Understanding Narcissism: More Than Just an Ego Problem
Before we dive into whether narcissists can change, let’s first understand what we’re dealing with. Narcissism isn’t just about being self-absorbed or loving your reflection in the mirror. It’s a personality disorder—Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)—that goes much deeper.
People with NPD often exhibit:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance
- A constant need for admiration
- A lack of empathy
- Manipulative or controlling behaviors
- A fragile ego that reacts aggressively to criticism
Not all narcissists are the same, though. Some are overt (loud, arrogant, and attention-seeking), while others are covert (playing the victim, seeking sympathy, and using guilt as a weapon). But regardless of their style, one thing remains true: narcissists struggle with self-awareness.
And that’s where the question of change gets tricky.
Can a Narcissist Change? The Harsh Reality
If you’ve been hurt by a narcissist, you might hope they can change. You might believe that with the right love, patience, and effort, they’ll finally see the damage they’ve done. But here’s the hard truth:
Most narcissists don’t change.
Why? Because true change requires self-reflection, humility, and accountability—things that narcissists naturally resist. A person with NPD doesn’t see themselves as the problem; they believe the world is against them.
But before you lose hope, there is some nuance to this. Change is possible, but under very specific conditions.
The Three Conditions for Change
For a narcissist to truly change, three things must happen:
1. They Must Acknowledge Their Narcissism
This is the biggest hurdle. Since narcissists tend to blame others for their problems, admitting they have narcissistic tendencies is like asking a fish to climb a tree. But on rare occasions, life can shake them hard enough—a major loss, rejection, or crisis—that they begin to see their own patterns.
2. They Must Genuinely Want to Change
Even if a narcissist acknowledges their behavior, change won’t happen unless they want to do the hard work. This means choosing to face uncomfortable truths, seek help, and work on self-improvement. The catch? Many narcissists only pretend to want change to win back a partner, avoid consequences, or maintain control.
3. They Must Get Professional Help
Narcissism isn’t something that disappears overnight. It’s deeply wired into a person’s personality, often stemming from childhood wounds or trauma. True change requires intensive therapy, specifically Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Schema Therapy—but even then, results aren’t guaranteed.
The Rare Narcissists Who Actually Change
While most narcissists remain stuck in their ways, there are a few exceptions. Some individuals with narcissistic traits (not full-blown NPD) can change when they:
- Develop self-awareness – Through journaling, therapy, or feedback, they begin to see their toxic behaviors.
- Experience a major emotional shock – A failed marriage, job loss, or hitting rock bottom can sometimes trigger self-reflection.
- Find deep, unconditional support – A healthy relationship with someone who sets strong boundaries can sometimes guide them toward change.
But here’s the twist—even when a narcissist changes, they don’t become a completely different person. They may learn to manage their worst tendencies, but they will likely always struggle with empathy and self-centeredness.
Can You Make a Narcissist Change?
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you might be wondering if you can help them change. The short answer? No, not directly.
You can:
✅ Set firm boundaries
✅ Encourage therapy (though they must choose to go)
✅ Stop enabling their behavior
But what you cannot do is force them to change. If a narcissist only wants to change for your approval, their efforts will be temporary and manipulative. True change has to come from within.
Should You Wait for a Narcissist to Change?
This is the real question. If you’re waiting for a narcissist to magically transform into a caring, selfless person, you may be waiting forever. The painful reality is that most narcissists never change in a meaningful way—and staying in a toxic relationship while hoping they will can drain your emotional and mental well-being.
Instead, ask yourself:
❓ Are they actively working on themselves with professional help?
❓ Are they showing real, consistent improvement?
❓ Are they willing to take accountability without playing the victim?
If the answer is no, you might need to consider stepping away for your own peace and happiness.
Final Thoughts: The Truth About Narcissists and Change
So, can a narcissist really change? The answer is complicated.
- Most narcissists don’t change because they lack self-awareness and the willingness to do the hard emotional work.
- Some narcissists can change under extreme circumstances, but even then, it’s a slow and difficult process.
- You cannot make a narcissist change—they have to want it for themselves.
If you’re dealing with a narcissist, the best thing you can do is protect your own well-being. Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do isn’t waiting for them to change—it’s choosing to walk away and heal yourself.
Because at the end of the day, the most important person who needs to change isn’t them—it’s you deciding what you will and won’t tolerate.
What are your thoughts? Have you ever seen a narcissist change? Let’s talk in the comments.