We often assume that no matter how difficult a person is, they must love their mother—right? After all, a mother is supposed to be the first and most unconditional love in a person’s life. But when it comes to narcissists, things aren’t that simple.
If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, you know they have a way of making everything about themselves. They crave admiration, control, and validation. But how does that dynamic play out in their relationship with their mothers? Do they truly love her, or is it just another complex web of manipulation?
Let’s dive into the complicated world of narcissists and their mothers. Along the way, we’ll break down what their “love” really looks like, how their upbringing plays a role, and what signs to watch for if you’re dealing with one. Buckle up—this is going to be an eye-opener!
1. The Love That Comes With Conditions
A narcissist doesn’t love the way most people do. Their love is transactional—it comes with strings attached. If their mother feeds their ego, praises them, and gives them the admiration they crave, they may appear loving. But the moment she challenges them, criticizes them, or fails to meet their expectations, their attitude shifts.
Think of it like a child throwing a tantrum when they don’t get their way, except this “child” is a full-grown adult who knows exactly how to guilt-trip, manipulate, or emotionally punish their mother for not playing her role.
2. The Golden Child vs. The Scapegoat
If a narcissist grew up with siblings, their love for their mother might depend on where they stood in the family hierarchy. Many narcissistic parents assign roles—there’s the “golden child,” who can do no wrong, and the “scapegoat,” who gets blamed for everything.
If a narcissist was the golden child, they likely formed a dependency on their mother’s praise and favoritism. Their “love” for her is rooted in the validation she gave them. If they were the scapegoat, however, they might resent her deeply and show no affection at all. Either way, love isn’t really in the equation—it’s all about power and control.
3. The Mother as a Narcissistic Supply
To a narcissist, relationships are all about what they can gain. This includes their relationship with their mother. If she continues to boost their ego, they will keep her close. If she starts asserting herself, setting boundaries, or questioning their behavior, they may turn cold, dismissive, or even cruel.
It’s a bit like having a personal fan club—so long as she plays the role of their biggest cheerleader, she’s useful. But the moment she stops clapping, she might as well be invisible.
4. The Enmeshment Trap
In some cases, a narcissist and their mother have an overly close, enmeshed relationship. This happens when the mother is emotionally dependent on her child, and the narcissist takes full advantage of it.
Picture a mother who constantly says, “You’re all I have,” or, “You’re the only one who truly understands me.” A narcissist will absorb this attention like a sponge. They may claim to “love” their mother, but in reality, they love the control and influence they have over her.
5. The Smothering vs. The Neglect
Many narcissists either had a mother who smothered them with attention or one who neglected them emotionally. Both scenarios can create a distorted sense of love.
A smothering mother might have raised a narcissist who believes they are the center of the universe. A neglectful mother might have created a child who constantly seeks external validation to fill the void. Either way, the end result is the same—a narcissist who struggles to form healthy, genuine emotional connections.
6. The Cycle of Idealization and Devaluation
Narcissists tend to put people on a pedestal, only to tear them down later. This applies to their mothers, too.
One day, she’s “the best mother in the world” because she bought them a gift, praised them, or did them a favor. The next day, she’s “selfish” or “manipulative” because she set a boundary or didn’t give them what they wanted.
It’s a rollercoaster ride that never stops. The mother might find herself constantly trying to please her child, only to be discarded the moment she stops fulfilling their needs.
7. The Public vs. Private Persona
Ever noticed how some narcissists act like the perfect son or daughter in public, only to be cruel or indifferent in private?
They may brag about their mother, post pictures with her on social media, or shower her with compliments in front of others. But behind closed doors, they may be dismissive, impatient, or even verbally abusive. The public performance is all about maintaining their image, not about genuine love.
8. Guilt as a Manipulation Tool
Narcissists are experts at guilt-tripping. They know exactly how to make their mother feel bad for having needs of her own.
If she asks for help, they might say, “After everything I’ve done for you, you’re really asking me for this?” If she tries to set boundaries, they may accuse her of being selfish or ungrateful. Over time, this can make her feel trapped in a cycle of constantly trying to please them.
9. The Role Reversal
Some narcissists flip the traditional parent-child dynamic. Instead of the mother caring for them, they expect her to cater to their emotional needs like a personal therapist.
They may dump all their problems on her, expect constant reassurance, and demand endless attention. But when she needs support? Suddenly, they’re too busy, too tired, or uninterested.
10. The Selective Loyalty
A narcissist might seem loyal to their mother when it suits them. If she’s useful—helping them financially, supporting their ambitions, or defending them against criticism—they may act like the perfect child.
But the moment she becomes a burden or no longer serves their needs, they can cut her off without a second thought. Their loyalty is conditional, not genuine.
11. The Love-Hate Relationship
Many narcissists have a deeply conflicted relationship with their mothers. They may admire her, resent her, need her, and reject her—all at the same time.
This push-pull dynamic can leave the mother feeling constantly off-balance. One moment, they’re affectionate; the next, they’re distant or even hostile. It’s emotional whiplash at its finest.
12. What If the Mother Is Also a Narcissist?
If the mother herself is narcissistic, the relationship becomes even more toxic. It’s like two performers fighting for the spotlight.
In some cases, they may form an alliance, feeding each other’s egos. In others, they may have an ongoing battle for dominance, leading to endless power struggles and emotional games.
13. The Emotional Bankruptcy
At the core of it all, narcissists struggle with emotional depth. Their version of “love” is often shallow, performative, and self-serving.
They may say they love their mother, but their actions often tell a different story. Real love involves empathy, respect, and care—things narcissists struggle to provide.
Conclusion: Understanding the Reality
So, do narcissists love their mothers? The answer is complicated. They may feel attachment, dependency, or even admiration, but their love often lacks the depth, sincerity, and unconditional nature that true love requires.
If you have a narcissistic person in your life, especially a parent or child, remember this: you can’t change them, but you can protect yourself. Set boundaries, manage your expectations, and prioritize your emotional well-being.
At the end of the day, love should be something that nourishes you, not something that drains you. And that’s a truth worth holding on to.