Ever walked away from an argument feeling like you just got hit by an emotional truck—but you can’t quite figure out how it happened? You started off making a valid point, but somehow, by the end, you were apologizing for something you didn’t even do. If that sounds familiar, you might have been dealing with a covert narcissist—the sneakiest kind of emotional manipulator.
Unlike their loud and boastful cousins, covert narcissists are masters of subtlety. They don’t need to shout or throw tantrums to control the conversation. Instead, they twist words, distort reality, and make you doubt yourself—without ever raising their voice.
How do they do it? With a few well-placed, twisted phrases that make them look like the victim while making you feel like the villain. Let’s break down six of their favorite lines, why they use them, and how you can shut them down before they leave you questioning your own sanity.
1. “I never said that.”
What it really means: Let me gaslight you into thinking you're imagining things.
One of the covert narcissist’s favorite tricks is making you doubt your own memory. They’ll flat-out deny saying something—even if you have texts, emails, or carrier pigeons to prove it. The goal? To make you second-guess yourself so much that next time, you won’t even bother calling them out.
How to respond:
- Stay calm and trust your memory. If you know what they said, don’t let them rewrite history.
- Use proof if you have it. “Actually, you did say it. Here’s the text where you said exactly that.”
- Don’t get sucked into their mind games. If they refuse to acknowledge the truth, simply say, “We remember things differently, but I know what I heard,” and move on.
Pro Tip: If you frequently deal with this, start keeping a record of important conversations—because a narcissist’s favorite hobby is rewriting the past.
2. “You're too sensitive.”
What it really means: Your emotions are inconvenient to me, so I’ll make you feel bad for having them.
Ah, the classic blame shift. They hurt you, but instead of taking responsibility, they make you feel like the problem for reacting. It’s a genius move (for them) because now you’re defending your feelings instead of calling them out on their bad behavior.
How to respond:
- Own your feelings. “I have every right to feel how I feel. Dismissing my emotions doesn’t make them go away.”
- Flip it back. “If I’m too sensitive, does that mean you were too harsh?”
- Don't get defensive. They want you to prove you’re “not too sensitive.” Don’t play along. Just state your feelings and hold your ground.
Relatable Moment: Imagine someone stepping on your foot and then saying, “Jeez, you’re so dramatic.” That’s exactly what this phrase does—it shifts the blame from the person causing the pain to the person experiencing it.
3. “I was just joking!”
What it really means: I said something mean, but now I don’t want to deal with the consequences.
This is their get-out-of-jail-free card. They’ll say something hurtful, but when you call them out, they’ll claim it was “just a joke.” The goal? To make you feel like you’re overreacting while avoiding accountability.
How to respond:
- Call it what it is. “Jokes are meant to be funny for everyone, not just the person telling them.”
- Set boundaries. “If that’s your sense of humor, I’d rather not be the punchline.”
- Don’t laugh it off. If you let it slide, they’ll do it again. Stand your ground.
Reality Check: A joke is only funny if both people are laughing. If their “jokes” consistently hurt you, they’re not jokes—they’re subtle digs wrapped in a flimsy excuse.
4. “You're overthinking it.”
What it really means: Let me make you feel crazy so I don’t have to address your valid concerns.
A covert narcissist hates being questioned. So when you start noticing inconsistencies or red flags, they’ll shut you down by making you feel like you’re making a big deal out of nothing.
How to respond:
- Trust yourself. If something feels off, there’s a reason. Your intuition isn’t lying.
- Stand firm. “I’d rather overthink than ignore something important.”
- Shift it back to them. “Why does it bother you that I’m thinking critically?”
Pro Tip: Narcissists rely on people ignoring their gut instincts. The best way to disarm them is to keep asking questions—they hate it.
5. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
What it really means: Here’s a fake apology that makes it sound like your feelings are the problem, not my behavior.
This non-apology is a classic. It sounds like they’re taking responsibility, but in reality, they’re just acknowledging your feelings without actually apologizing. Notice how they’re not sorry for what they did—just for how you feel about it.
How to respond:
- Ask for a real apology. “Are you sorry for what you did, or just that I’m upset about it?”
- Clarify the issue. “This isn’t just about how I feel. It’s about what happened.”
- Don’t accept empty words. If they don’t genuinely acknowledge their actions, their “sorry” is meaningless.
Reality Check: If someone is truly sorry, they’ll own up to their actions—without twisting it into your problem.
6. “After everything I’ve done for you…”
What it really means: Let me guilt-trip you into silence.
This phrase is a manipulation bomb. It turns the conversation away from their wrongdoing and makes you feel like you owe them something. Suddenly, you’re not discussing their bad behavior—you’re defending whether you appreciate them enough.
How to respond:
- Separate the issue. “This isn’t about what you’ve done for me. It’s about this situation.”
- Don’t let guilt control you. “I appreciate what you’ve done, but that doesn’t mean I can’t address issues when they come up.”
- Stay on track. Redirect the conversation back to the real issue instead of letting them derail it.
Pro Tip: Healthy relationships don’t come with emotional debt. If someone constantly reminds you of their past good deeds to avoid accountability, it’s a red flag.
Final Thoughts: How to Outsmart a Covert Narcissist
The best way to deal with a covert narcissist? Refuse to play their game.
- Trust your instincts. If something feels manipulative, it probably is.
- Set boundaries. Narcissists push limits. The only way to stop them is to enforce your own.
- Don’t get sucked into emotional traps. They thrive on guilt, confusion, and self-doubt. The less you engage, the less power they have.
At the end of the day, you deserve relationships where your feelings are respected, your words aren’t twisted, and you’re not constantly questioning your reality. So the next time someone tries to pull these twisted word tricks, call them out, set your boundaries, and walk away knowing you just won the argument—without even raising your voice.