Love or Control? Why Narcissists Abuse Those They Claim to Love

Ever found yourself in a relationship where love feels more like a battlefield than a safe haven? One minute you're cherished, the next you're walking on eggshells. If this sounds familiar, you might be dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists have a unique way of twisting love into control, leaving their partners feeling confused, drained, and questioning their reality.

Understanding why narcissists behave this way is crucial—not just to break free, but to heal and reclaim your sense of self. Let’s dive into the reasons behind their behavior and explore practical tips to recognize, cope with, and ultimately break free from toxic patterns.

What Is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is a subtle, yet devastating form of emotional manipulation. It’s when someone who claims to love you uses guilt, fear, and control to dominate your thoughts and actions. Unlike physical abuse, the scars are invisible, making it harder to recognize and escape.

A narcissist thrives on power and control, using love as a weapon to keep you hooked. They shower you with affection, only to pull away and leave you craving their approval. Sound exhausting? That’s because it is!

15 Signs You Might Be in a Relationship with a Narcissist

Here are some red flags to watch out for:

1. They Make It All About Them
Narcissists have an uncanny ability to turn any situation—good or bad—into their personal spotlight. Whether it’s your promotion or a personal struggle, they somehow manage to redirect the focus back to themselves.

Pro tip: If their support feels conditional or always leads back to them, that’s a red flag.

2. They Use Love as a Bargaining Tool
Ever been given the silent treatment after a disagreement? Narcissists often withhold affection to manipulate and regain control, making you feel like you have to “earn” their love back.

3. Gaslighting Galore
Phrases like “You’re too sensitive” or “I never said that” are their favorite weapons. Gaslighting makes you question your memory and perception, leaving you second-guessing everything.

Real-life example: Sarah swore her boyfriend promised a weekend trip, but he insisted she imagined it—classic gaslighting!

4. They Tear You Down, Then Build You Up
Compliments followed by cutting remarks are their specialty. One minute they adore your sense of humor; the next, they say you’re not as funny as you think. It’s a psychological rollercoaster designed to keep you dependent on their validation.

5. Your Boundaries? What Boundaries?
Narcissists see boundaries as a challenge, not a limit. They’ll invade your privacy, dismiss your needs, and guilt-trip you for asserting yourself.

Try this: Start with small boundaries, like setting aside “me-time,” and observe their reaction.

6. You Feel Drained After Every Interaction
A healthy relationship should uplift you, not leave you emotionally exhausted. If spending time with them feels like a full-time job, it’s a sign something’s off.

7. Constant Need for Validation
No matter how much love and attention you give, it’s never enough. They always need more compliments, more reassurance, and more admiration.

8. They Play the Victim Card
If something goes wrong, it’s never their fault. They’ll twist the story to paint themselves as the innocent party while making you feel guilty for even bringing up an issue.

9. Controlling Every Aspect of Your Life
From what you wear to who you spend time with, narcissists want a say in everything. It starts small but grows into a suffocating grip on your independence.

10. They Keep You Isolated
They subtly discourage you from spending time with friends and family, making it seem like they’re the only person who truly cares about you.

11. You Walk on Eggshells
One wrong word can trigger an explosion. If you constantly watch what you say to avoid conflict, you're in unhealthy territory.

12. Love-Bombing and Devaluation Cycle
In the beginning, they shower you with affection—grand gestures, sweet words, constant attention. But soon, it turns into criticism, neglect, and emotional withdrawal.

13. They Don’t Respect Your Feelings
Your emotions are often brushed aside or labeled as overreactions. They expect you to cater to their moods but rarely offer the same in return.

14. Excuses, Excuses, Excuses
They always have an excuse for their bad behavior—stress, childhood trauma, or just having a “bad day.” But real love takes accountability.

15. They Make You Doubt Your Worth
Over time, their constant criticism chips away at your self-esteem, making you believe you’re lucky to have them.

How to Break Free and Heal

If you see yourself in these patterns, it’s time to take action. Here’s how to start:

1. Acknowledge the Reality
The first step is recognizing that this isn’t love; it’s control. Stop making excuses for their behavior and start focusing on how it makes you feel.

2. Set Boundaries and Stick to Them
Narcissists hate boundaries, but standing your ground is key. Be firm and clear about what you will and won’t accept.

3. Seek Support
Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse. You’re not alone, and support can be a game-changer.

4. Practice Self-Care
Rebuild your sense of self by engaging in activities you love. Whether it’s painting, exercising, or binge-watching your favorite series—do what makes you happy.

5. Limit or Cut Contact
If possible, distance yourself. No-contact is the best strategy for healing from narcissistic abuse. If that’s not feasible, limit communication and keep interactions neutral.

6. Challenge Negative Thoughts
You’ve likely absorbed a lot of their negativity. Start replacing self-doubt with affirmations and positive self-talk.

7. Know That Healing Takes Time
Recovering from a narcissistic relationship isn’t instant. Be patient with yourself and celebrate small wins along the way.

Conclusion: Reclaim Your Power

Love should feel safe, uplifting, and empowering—not controlling, confusing, or hurtful. If you recognize these toxic patterns in your relationship, it’s time to take a step back and prioritize yourself. You deserve a love that brings out the best in you, not one that leaves you questioning your worth.

Remember, healing takes time, but every step forward is a step closer to the love and happiness you truly deserve. So, take a deep breath, trust yourself, and know that better days are ahead!

If you found this article helpful, share it with someone who might need it—because everyone deserves healthy love.

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The DXP Team is a dedicated group of writers, journalists, and bloggers with a deep connection to the online dating world. Our personal experiences, combined with professional expertise, allow us to bring authentic and relatable advice to our audience. We go beyond just sharing tips — we aim to be your trusted resource in navigating the complexities of modern dating. From practical advice and honest reviews to insightful guides, our team works tirelessly to create content that resonates with your journey. Whether you're new to online dating or looking to refine your approach, the DXP Team is here to support you every step of the way.