The Super Woman’s Guide to Hooking Up

Hooking up with someone should be fun — that’s why it’s good to remember a few things…

Hooking up with a man is neither here, nor there, yet people tend to have an awful lot of opinions about it. Should you, or should you not have a one night stand, or a fuck buddy, or a no strings attached relationship or whatever else you’d like to call it?

guide to hookup
Credit: Brigitte Sporrer/Getty Images

The answer to that question is that it’s entirely up to you. There’s nothing morally wrong with having sex for one night only, or dating someone just for the sake of sex. Sex is a great part of life that should be enjoyed! There is, however, better or worse ways to go about hooking up with people. If you want to enjoy having sex with someone (and you should!) the below are things to bear in mind to make it more enjoyable.

See Sex as Something Empowering

Let’s face it:

There’s something empowering about embracing your own sexuality and getting sexual satisfaction from someone. We all have sexual desires and embracing them as part of our personality and being open about it is liberating.

When we fall in love we’re often nervous about what the other person will think about us and if we’re at all compatible as lovers. When you have sex with someone you aren’t emotionally invested in, you don’t particularly care what they think about you. You just enjoy yourself. That, too, can be very liberating.

Stay Comfortable

If you aren’t comfortable hooking up with strangers, choose someone in your circle of friends, or someone you know of through someone else.

If you’re looking for someone on Tinder, simply explain you’re looking for a fuck buddy, but won’t have sex with someone until you get to know them better.

Likewise, if you aren’t comfortable going home with a stranger, take them to your place instead of theirs.

Inside Scoop: How to hookup on Tinder

There’s a Time and a Place for Everything

Agreeing to go straight home with someone after a night on town when truly you’re famished and have a smashing headache isn’t going to bring you great sex. Sure, if you tell them you’d rather wait to hook up till another night when you are feeling more up for it, then you might not get what you want.

But having sex when you aren’t comfortable is going to ruin the experience. You don’t want to end up having lousy sex just because you didn’t want to tell them what you need to get in the mood.

When we first meet people we tend to be shy about our needs, but this is about two people pleasing each other. Sex is all about your needs. So be sure you get what you need to feel in the mood for sex!

Stay Sober

The Super Woman’s Guide to Hooking Up 1

To fully enjoy having sex, you need to be sober. To make informed decisions about who to have sex with, you need to stay sober.

Having a drink, or two, is one thing. Getting drunk is another. You don’t want to be drunk when making a choice about whom to bed, nor do you want to be drunk while having sex. It’s going to numb your senses and that’s the last thing you want!

Besides, even if you think you’re sexy when you’ve had one too many, the people you’re hitting on won’t agree unless they’re plastered themselves. You’re much more likely to find someone attractive to bring with you home if you can walk in a straight line!

Have Clear Intentions

Just as you appreciate when someone tells you up front what they want, be open about what you want. Don’t tell someone on Tinder you’re looking for a relationship if you’re after sex. Nor should you flirt outrageously with one of your friends and hope they’ll get that you only want a fuck buddy. 

Men are often made out as villains when it comes to looking for sex and confusing it with dating, but many women are just as bad when it comes to being obscure about what they want. Probably because we don’t necessarily know on the first date whether we want something casual, or a relationship.

We may very well be shopping for one thing, but end up changing our mind once we get to know someone. Just do your best to communicate your intentions when you talk about it.

Don’t Attach Yourself

dont attach yourself

I usually say this when giving men advice, but there’s nothing worse than a person who latches onto you like an octopus. When you approach someone in a bar, or flirt with someone in your circle of friends, chill knowing there are other options.

Yes, attraction is a pain sometimes as it makes us literally want to throw ourselves at someone, but just remember there are other people out there that will have the same effect on you.

Millions, in fact. So don’t get desperate!

You’ll be the most attractive when you show what you want, yet aren’t attached to getting that one person. Rather, you know you’ll get the person that’s best for you. 

Have Fun with It

Ever looked at someone and admired them for owning their sensuality and sexuality? For being openly sexy? I know I have.

So if you are to indulge in hookups, why not indulge in learning about sex in general? Take a class in burlesque, learn about seduction, dress in clothes that make you feel sexy…own the sexy wanton in you!

Desires You Shouldn’t Act On

Sometimes it’s tempting to have sex even though we know we really shouldn’t. I often say this, but there is physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual and, possibly, spiritual attraction.

If you are a match on one or two levels, you can feel an extreme attraction to someone, only to feel extreme disgust once you discover the other levels.

Attraction blinds us.

And that overwhelming attraction you feel for your work colleague after a glass of wine on a Friday night might not be the best indicator of whether you should hookup with them, or not. You have to face them Monday morning, so be sure that you make the decision that truly rings true to you and not the one that’s controlled by immediate desire.

Letting desire control you isn’t a problem with someone you’ll never see again, but it can become a problem with someone you have to face every day for the rest of the year.

The moral of the story? If it’s just for the sex, try to pick someone you know you’ll be OK seeing again, such as a fuck buddy, or someone you know you’ll never see again. Otherwise, those Monday morning meetings can get weird fast…

Make Up Your Mind

Going home with someone when you’re still debating whether it’s a good idea, or not, isn’t going to make for an incredible experience.

If you want to have sex, find someone you truly want to have sex with and go home with them. Don’t just accept someone because they’re better than no one, or because they’ve been flirting with you for a while and because you’ve sort of responded, you’re starting to feel like you owe them something.

In short, before you have sex with someone, make a decision that this is truly what you want. Once you’ve made that decision — go for it! Enjoy yourself fully!

Don’t Use Sex as an Emotional Escape

sex as an emotional escape
Credit: Gpoint Studio

Sex is great. It’s fun, it releases wonderful chemicals that make us feel happy, it may even boost your immune system, and it’s part of who we are biologically. Using sex to numb yourself because you’re going through emotional pain, on the other hand, is a bad idea. Don’t get hooked on hookups while trying to avoid other aspects of your life.

Stay Safe

This is obvious, but just to be clear: there are STDs you can’t protect yourself from by using a condom, or any other form of contraceptive. If you know someone you intend to hookup with, you can ask them about their sexual history and when they last got tested, but it’s not like you’re going to ask someone you just met at a bar when they last had a chat with their gynecologist.

When you have sex with someone, you take a risk.  

You also need to be wise about who you go home with. Choose to have sex with people on nights when you aren’t so drunk you don’t know what you’re doing. Talk to them. Get to know them a bit. Get a feel for who they are. And let a friend know where you’re going, even if it’s to your own place.

If you meet someone on a hookup app, meet them in real life before inviting them home.

In Closing

Hooking up with people can and should be great. You just need to bear in mind some basic things, like avoid hooking up with people when you’re piss drunk and won’t be able to remember a thing in the morning. Have fun with sex and honor yourself by picking the right sexual partners for you.

Maria Montgomery

Maria Montgomery

Writer. Director. Social Entrepreneur. Change maker. Foodie. Creative nutcase. Potentially funny.

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